God rest you merry Collinses
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Barn the vampire
Will save you this day
From Nicky and Diabolos
When you go astray
(Chorus)
Drinking lots of sherry and gin
Sherry and gin
Drinking lots of sherry and gin
To David and Roger
Phoenix Laura came
And to Jamison and Edward
She later did the same
How did Collinsport become
The home of Laura's flame?

Repeat chorus

"Fear not, then" said the writers
"Let nothing you affright;
Soon will come another
To scare you out of sight
A vampire named Barnabas
Doomed to live by night

Repeat chorus

Now to him Julia appears
To live in this place
And with a love for Barnabas
She wished he would embrace
Her instead of Josette
Banned from him by fate

Repeat chorus

Have a Barny-Quenty Christmas
It's the best time of the year
I don't know if there'll be snow
But I got two guys right here

Have a Barny-Quenty Christmas
And when I walk down the street
I say no no to friends I know
And everyone I meet

Oh ho the mistletoe
Hung where I can see
Two guys waitin' for me
I'll kiss em yes siree!

Have a Barny-Quenty Christmas
And in case you didn't hear
It's no Blarny
I'll have a Barny-Quenty Christmas this year!

You know Willie and Maggie and Roxanne and Quentin;
Roger and Julia and Mrs. Johnson and Carolyn,
But do you recall pre-Barnabas stories at all?

First there was Bill Malloy
"Drunken Sailor" murdered by
Thayer David's Matthew Morgan
Off Widow's Cliff, Bye-bye!

Then came Josette's ghost
Who liked to wander 'round and such
Till Phoenix Laura came to see Roger
Who didn't like her much

So one dark and stormy night
Laura came to town
Engulfed the cabin in fire light
Until she was out of sight

Then all of the other Collins
As they shouted out with glee
Told Barny-boy one day
"You'll go down in history!"

To the Tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas"

On the 12th day of 1968 my true loves gave to me
Twelve wining Willies
Eleven Old Houses
Ten unknown cousins
Nine trips to Wyndcliffe
Eight Professor Stokes
Seven Blue Whales
Six Eric Langs
Five closed off wings
Four calling phones
Three Angeliques
Two silent ghosts
and a Doc named Julia H!

To the tune of "Frosty the Snowman"

Quentin the ghostie was a melancholy soul
With mutton chops and an old frock coat
And two eyes that were very cold

Quentin the ghostie is a fantasy they say
He was dead you know, but the children know
How he came to life one day

There must have been some magic
In the telephone they found
For when they first picked it up
We began to hear that sound

Oh Quentin the ghostie was alive as he could be
David 'n' Amy say he could laugh 'n' play
Just the same as you and me!

Bring a torch, Benjamin Stokes
Bring a torch to the Old House, run
The witch is Angie good folk of the village
Burn her now to save us all

Ah Ah
Beautiful is the fire
Ah Ah
Beautiful is the flame

To the Tune of "Winter Wonderland"

Happy in a DS Wonderland

Doorbell rings, I'm not listenin'
In the glass, brandy's glistenin'
A beautiful sight
I'm happy tonight
Happy in a DS wonderland

Gone away is Burke Devlin
Barnabas is like heavin
A beautiful sight
As we watch tonight
Happy in a DS wonderland

Soon we'll get to see the ghost of Quentin
He'll haunt the children, grown ups too
Then we'll run off to 1897
For bare chest scenes from him to you

Later on, Ang 'll conspire
As she sits by the fire
To face unafraid
The plans Judah made
Happy in a DS wonderland

In the lab we can make a dead wom'n
Rise up and walk around town
She'll have lots of fun tormenting Quentin
Until Barn & co bring her down

When it shows, ain't it thrillin'
Though your spine gets a chillin'
We'll frolic and play
The Dark Shadows way
Happy in a DS wonderland!

Based on "The Night Before Christmas"

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
All the creatures were stirring, including the mouse;
Holy water was hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that old Nicholas wouldn't come there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of destruction danced in their heads
Liz with her sherry and Roger with his nightcap
Were about to settle down for a short winter's nap

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
Roger dropped his drink before seeing what was the matter
Away he flew to the window like a bat
Tore open the door and smiled like a cat

The full moon's brightness on the new-fallen snow
Signaled a rampage for Chris in the town below.
When to his eyes should suddenly appear
Cousin Barnabas, Quentin and Julia are here

With good ole Willie so lively and quick
If he had more cunning we could say he's slick
More rapid than nightfall and full moons they came
Barn smiled and shouted and called them by name

Jason, Dorcas, PT Carolyn and William H.
Roxanne and Lang and Jeb with Naga snake
From the peaks of Widow's Hill to the top of the tower walls
Haunt away, haunt away, haunt away all!

Out in the tavern others were drinking
And like Roger thought it helped in thinking
And up in the tower room the vampires flew
With a legion of victims and Nicholas too

And then in a twinkling he heard on the roof
The popping and sparking from each spell's poof
As Roger picked up his glass and turned around
Into Collinwood Elliot Stokes came with a bound

He was dressed all in black from his head to his foot
His clothes were all pressed and free of ashes and soot
A bundle of charms he had flung on his back
Talismans and books and an extra six-pack

His eyes, how they twinkled! His monacle , how merry
His cheeks like roses, his nose like a cherry
His small mouth drawn like a bow
And streaks of his hair were as white as the snow;

The butt of a cigarette he held tight in his teeth,
And its smoke encircled his head like a wreath
Stokes had a broad face and a round little belly
That shook when he laughed like cranberry jelly
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf
And Rog laughed when he saw him in spite of himself
A wink of his eye and Judah Zachary's head
Led Roger to know he had a lot to dread

Stokes spoke few words but went straight to his work,
Exorcised the ghosts; then turned with a jerk
And with a trick from who knows where
Gave a nod to Nick to get the Hell out of there

Stokes sprang to his feet and to the victims gave a whistle
And away they all flew like bullets from a pistol
But Rog heard Stokes exclaim as he drove out of sight
"Merry D-X-mas to all, and to all a DS night!"

How Nicky Blair Stole the Liquor (based on How the Grinch Stole Christmas)

Nicky Blair hated the Collinses in Collinsport they say
So he snuck down in secret, early Christmas day
He stole all their sherry, he stole all their brandy
He stole all their food, all their port and loose Christmas candy
Then he took it all up to the House by the Sea
Packed high on his sleigh Nicky smiled cheerfully.

He stared down at Collinwood!
Nicky popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Collins in Collinwood, the tall and the small,
Was drinking! Without any liquor at all!

He hadn't stopped the Collinses from drinking!
They started!
Somehow or other, Nicky was outsmarted!

And Nicky with his demon feet ice-cold in the snow
Stood thinking and thinking: 'How could it be so?'
'They started without sherry! They started without brandy!'
'They started without six-packs, cases or candy!'
And he thought three hours, till his thinker was sore.
'Maybe the Collinses,' he thought, 'could make more.'
'Maybe the Collinses don't need to go to a store!'

And what happened then…?
Well in Collinwood they say
That Nicky's liquor tolerance
Grew three times that day!

The end!