The Journals (5)
Date: 10/13/98
From: barnster

Barnabas stared at her, with wild exhilaration. Salvation was within his grasp!

He slowly rose to his feet on trembling legs. He winced as the cramps tightened his belly. "Give me them!" he hissed, holding out a trembling hand.

Julia stared at him in silence, and made no move to hand him the bottle.

His face contorted, as he doubled over in agony. He looked up at Julia, pleadingly. "Please!" he sobbed beggingly, as he sank to his knees.

"*Please*, Julia!" he begged, as the tears coursed down his cheeks. "It hurts! Make it stop! *Please*!"

As he hugged his cramp-ridden belly, he rocked back and forth. His cries of pain, the only sound that filled the room.

Julia crossed the room, and placed a hand on his shoulder. She felt the tremors that racked his thin form.

"Make it stop!" he moaned. "Oh God, it hurts! Please make it stop!"

Julia felt caught between the need to discover just what the hell he was playing at, and knowing that if she give him what he wanted, she would just be encouraging him.

His suffering won through. Knowing that he would lie, so that he could have his fix, she wasn't going to give in lightly. "If I do, will you explain, why you're trying to destroy your only chance to be a doctor?" she asked firmly.

"I'll do anything! Just make the pain stop!" he sobbed.

She unscrewed the cap of the bottle, and shook out two of the pills. He snatched them, with a trembling hand. "Get out!" he hissed.

When she remained where she was, he turned to her. He's glazed eyes, were red, where they should have been white. His bangs clung damply to his sweat-soaked forehead.

"I said, get out!" he hissed vehemently.

She rose to her feet, and as she left the room, heard the crunch of the tablets.

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Barnabas Jr, lay on his bed, with his hands behind his head, and stared at the ceiling.

A knocking came at his door, but he made to effort to move. After a few minutes the door opened, and Julia entered the semi-darkened room, baring a tray.

It had been an hour since; she had discovered his addiction to drugs. The rooms he had ransacked in his desperation had been tidied.

"I brought you up something to eat," she said as she placed the tray on his desk.

Barnabas continued to stare at the ceiling. "I told Daniel, I didn't want anything," he said quietly.

She came over to the bed and sat on the edge. "You have to eat something," she insisted. "You've had a rough time, you need to regain your strength."

"I said I didn't want it!"

Julia sighed. "All right. But it's there for when you do. Now, how about some answers?"

"Have you told my father?"

"No, I haven't."

He turned to face her, surprise, showing briefly on his face. "Why?"

"Because I want you to tell me, why you're risking your health not to mention your medical career, on those pills."

He resumed looking at the ceiling. "Why should you care? You wouldn't understand."

"Try me." From his tone, she got the impression that he was ashamed of what he was doing. And she thought again of how similar he was to his father. Like mirror images.

"I got them to help me study."

"Why?"

"I couldn't cope! Is that what you want to hear!" he snapped. "All right then! I couldn't handle the pressure! I'd failed three exams, and I couldn't concentrate, no matter how hard I tried!"

Julia put her hands on his shoulders. "Calm down, Barnabas!" she soothed.

"I won't calm down! The next two years are the most important of my life!" he shouted. "If I fail any more exams, I'm out!"

"What about re-sits? Did you pass them?"

"Barely!"

"Why didn't you ever tell your father or me, that you were having problems. We would have understood."

"Yeah, sure you would!" he sneered. "Understood what a failure I am!"

"That's not true! You're not being fair to yourself, or your father! He may not tell you himself, but he's proud of you. And so am I."

"You can say that, knowing what a mess everything's turning out?"

"Yes. I can understand the pressures studying can cause. The need to pass, knowing that if you fail, it could be the end of everything. But taking those pills, is not the answer. They're highly addictive. They'll ruin your career, before it's even begun. How long have you been on them?"

"Three months."

"Long enough," sighed Julia. "If you're serious on becoming a doctor, Barnabas, you have to kick this habit."

"I am serious! It's all I've ever wanted!"

"Then let me help you," insisted Julia. "But you have to WANT my help. You have to WANT to get off them, other wise, we're just fooling ourselves."

"Does my father have to know?"

"No. I won't tell him. He hasn't been feeling well. But I will if there's a repeat of this afternoon."

"Why are you so willing to help me? You're not my mother."

For once, the statement had been uttered with genuine wonder, and not the scathing tone she was used to hearing.
She smiled, and looked at him fondly. "Because I believe you have what it takes to be an excellent doctor. And the profession needs young people like you. But most of all, because I love you. I always have, since you were a small boy. Will you accept my help, Barnabas?"

"I'd do anything to get of those damn things!"

"That's a start." She reached into the pocket of her skirt, and took out a small bottle. "Here. I want you to take two of these every two hours."

"What are they?" he asked dubiously, taking the vial of tablets.

"They're substitutes to the ones you've been taking. They should help. There's enough in there, for six hours. When they run out, I want you to come to me."

"Thanks," he muttered. "How did you find out?"

"I caught Stephanie with them. You should be more careful where you leave things."

She rose from the bed. "Promise me you'll come to me, for help. Don't feel as if you're alone in this. Your father and I are behind you. Remember that."

"Julia?" he called from the darkness.

She paused with her hand on the door handle. "What?"

"Thanks. For understanding."

She smiled, and she was grateful that the room was in darkness, as her eyes stung with tears.

"You can best thank me, by doing what I said. If you plan to study, don't be too long."

"I won't."

"'Night."

"Yeah, 'night."

When she had gone, he crossed the room, and switched on the wall light. He crossed back over to his bed, and from behind his pillow, he took out the journal, he'd found, while searching his father's room.

He re-read the entry for September 19. So, his father was concerned if he'd fathered an illegitimate child. What joke! He thought. Here he was in the same predicament, only he HAD fathered a child.

He knew he shouldn't have walked on Cindy. But when he found the bottle missing, he'd had no choice. And he shouldn't have accused her, of trying to trap him.

He sighed. Just what was he going to do? He loved her, of the he was sure. But would she ever forgive him? Especially when she learned of his addition? Would she want expose their child to a father who was a drug addict?

He jaw clenched, as the word burned in his mind. Drug addict! Drug addict! He clenched his fists, as the anger he felt at his own incompetence threatened to burst.

If he ever hoped to succeed as a doctor, or ever make it up with Cindy, he had to be clean.

He stared at the bottle, Julia had given him. Maybe, just maybe, she wasn't so bad after all?

But what if there was another reason, for her wanting to help him?

He refused to even think of it. He knew as well as she did, that it would eventually ruin his career. He had no choice. He HAD to trust her.

He shook two of the pills, and crunching them, turned his attention to the journal.

' October 10 1795. A madness pervades the house. Father has disappeared, and the Countess and Aunt Abigail are determined to find a witch. Jeremiah has insisted until Father's disappearance, that he is taking a trip, before the winter is upon us. I must admit, his timing bothers me. After all I have chosen him as my best men at the wedding. The wedding! I welcome the day, when my Josette, are I as one.'

'October 22 1795. I am betrayed. Josette and Jeremiah have returned. Married! How could they do this? The two people I love most have deceived me. An uncle I loved as a brother, and the woman I loved above all others. I pray that the madness that has taken over, doses not affect my dear sweet Sarah.'

Dark Shadows is a Dan Curtis Production.