The Journals (8)
Date: 10/17/98
From: barnster

At the Collinsport Hospital, Barnabas Jr re-checked his father's medical chart for the hundredth time. Unable to glean any more information than he had already, he put the report away.

He stared at his father's still form, with anguish. He eyes roamed from his father's pale face, to the mass of equipment that were monitoring his vital signs.

He hadn't wanted this to happen! If only he could turn the clock back….

He felt a lump in his throat, making it difficult to swallow. If his father died, he would never forgive himself.

He went to the bedside, and sat in a chair. He grasped his father's limp hand in his own, and stared into the weary, sleeping face, he loved. Loved, even though he could never tell his father so. Not since that night so many years ago, when Diabolos had almost succeeded in destroying not him, but the entire family.

Not long after that, his father had announced that he and Julia were to marry. He hadn't objected, after all, it had been his mother's wish. Though at the time, he hadn't known why.

They had set a date for the wedding, which would be in four months. However, when Julia had announced that she was pregnant, they had brought the date forward.

His father had been pleased at the idea of becoming a father for the fifth time. And expressed his hopes that it would be another girl.

At the time, he had been shocked, when he learned that Julia intended to name her Stephanie, if that turned out to be the case. His father had suggested Julian, for a boy.

Julia had laughed at the thought, but agreed.

He had never been able to accept Stephanie. And the uneasy relationship with Julia hadn't made it easier. True, he had learned that she wasn't responsible for the deaths of his youngest brother, Lucas, or of his mother, but that still didn't make his acceptance of Stephanie as a sister or Julia, as his stepmother, easy.

Maybe it was the idea of his father, being a father to another woman's child, besides his mother. He knew it was petty, considering he wasn't a child anymore. It was just something he couldn't reason.

All that mattered now was that his father, recover from his latest setback.

"Father," he whispered, hoping that just hearing his voice, his father might open his eyes. "Father, I'm sorry," he said, the lump in his throat, making it difficult to speak. "I'll make it up with Cindy, I promise. Just get well, again. I'll beat the drugs, too, you'll see. Father?"

The door to the room opened, startling Barnabas. Framed in the doorway, stood Daniel, and he wasn't pleased at seeing his brother there.

He shut the door, with as much self-control as he was able, and stalked over to the bed.

"What are you doing in here?" he hissed, angrily. "Get out!"

When the door had opened, Barnabas quickly released his father's hand. Now he stood up, and glared at his brother. "I have as much right to be here!" he hissed back. "He's my father too!"

"It's because of you, he's here! Now get out before I get you thrown out!"

The door opened once more to admit Julia. On seeing the two brothers literally bristling at each other, she automatically stepped into the melee.

"I don't have to remind you, that this is a hospital. Now, whatever this fight is over, drop it, right now. The only thing that should concern us now is getting your father well, and back home. Agree?"

Daniel still glared at Barnabas, showing that he would not forgive or forget, for a long time.

"Yeah, I agree, but only when this lump of nothing gets out of here!" he hissed.

"He's his father, too Dan. He has as much right as you…."

"I don't CARE! Just get him out!"

Julia sighed. What could she do? Daniel could be stubborn when he wished. More stubborn than Barnabas, Snr could ever be, and she had seriously doubted that that was possible.

More for peace than practicality, she said, "I think it would be best if you did go, Barnabas."

He shot her a furious look, which quickly became one of anguish, and then guilt. He looked at his father once, a face becoming set, as if he were trying to control his emotions.

He glanced resentfully at Daniel, who pointedly turned his back on him.

Julia felt a stab of pain in her heart. They had once been close. True, they were not as close and he was to Sarah, but it still pained her to see the outward hatred Daniel felt towards his brother.

Barnabas stalked passed him, his face a stern mask, but for just a moment, Julia had seen the pain, he was feeling inside.

As he passed her, she followed him out the door.

"Barnabas," she called as he began to walk down the hall. When he turned in her direction, he kept his eyes riveted to the tiled floor. "I'll talk to him. Maybe you'll be able to visit with your father, when Dan's not here."

He looked up at her at last, tears, and hurt sparkled in his eyes. "Don't bother!" he said in a thick voice. And he turning on his heel, with shoulders slumped, started down the hall again.

"Barnabas!" she called as loud as she dared, but he ignored her.

As she watched after his dejected form, she wondered what effect this latest development would have on his attempt to kick his habit. Something like this, so early on in his attempt, could have serious drawbacks. And she hoped that he had the strength not to give in to the cravings that ruled him.

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Julia knocked at the cottage door, two days later. She hoped that she was doing the right thing. Maybe she should leave this in Barnabas' hands, and let him sort this mess out, on his own. But though he wouldn't admit, he was feeling guilty about his father's hospitalisation, that if left to him, Cindy would go on thinking that he had really deserted her.

The door opened five minutes later, and she was pleased to see the look of expectation vanish from her face.

"Oh, Mrs. Collins, its you," she said, despondently.

"May I come in, Cindy?"

"Yes, of course," said Cindy distractedly.

"I won't keep you long," smiled Julia. "I know when I'm not wanted."

"I didn't mean to be rude, Mrs. Collins," protested Cindy. "It's just that I thought it might…"

"Have been Barnabas. Yes I know. Daniel's told us about the baby."

"Oh," said Cindy, looking down. "Well, I guess Barnabas made his feelings pretty clear, when he walked out."

"That's why I'm here. He HASN'T made his feelings clear."

"I don't understand."

"There's a reason he did what he did, and it had nothing to do with you, or the baby."

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Barnabas Jr sat in his Porsche, his thumbs tapping the steering wheel, impatiently.

He was parked where he could easily see the cottage, and whoever came and went.

He frowned as he recognised Julia's car. What was she doing here? Had she come intending to give Cindy grief over the pregnancy? He hoped not. Frankly it wasn't any of her business. But neither were a lot of things, and she usually ended up being right.

As he watched, Julia left, after a few minutes of talking to Cindy on the step.

He sighed at the sight of her. He leaned forward, and rested his chin on his hands, and gazed at Cindy, as she stood on the step.

He could watch her all day. The half-smile crossed his face, as he remembered how it felt, when he held her warm, and naked against his own. Or the way she murmured his name, at the climax of their lovemaking. The sweet fragrance of her hair, and the powerful aroma of her perfume.

Seeing her made his heart ache and a fire burn in his groin.

He waited until Julia had driven off in the direction of the hospital. Since she had suggested he leave the day his father was admitted, he hadn't been back, though Julia had urged him to visit.

He glanced at his watch. 2:23.p.m. Well, if he were to keep his promise to his father, it had to be now.

Would she really understand? Would she believe that he still loved her? That he had always loved her?

Telling her about his addition, would be the hardest thing he had to face. If he had truly lost her, through his own stupidity, then he might as well give up. And with it, any chance of being a doctor. So much for Collins determination.

Taking his small amount of courage, in both hands, he opened the car door, and taking a deep breath, headed towards the cottage.

Dark Shadows is a Dan Curtis Production.