The Obsession of Maggie Evans
-- 11
Date: 9/21/98
From: Beverly LaCroix
Chapter XI
Dreams
"Barnabas! You're here," Maggie said softly, but excitedly.
"Yes, Maggie, I'm here, Barnabas said in the cultured tones she loved so
well.
Maggie struggled to rise from her bed, but it was useless, she couldn't move.
"Barnabas, would you help me? I can't seem to move. I'm sorry, " Maggie
said.
"I know, darling. I know. I'm sorry too," Barnabas said, yet never
moving from the spot where he stood gazing upon his lover.
"I want to go home," Maggie said.
"I know," Barnabas said, as he looked at her with a very intense stare.
"You've come to take me home, haven't you?" Maggie asked pleadingly.
Not yet, dearest," Barnabas said, never moving from where he stood.
"Barnabas?" Maggie said.
"Yes, darling, what is it?" Barnabas answered soothingly.
"I love you. I have always loved you. I know I will never love anyone else.
I know there is no hope for me with you. I knew, and I do know that we will
never be together, but I have to tell you that I love you, and I will love you
always." Maggie told him very matter of factly.
"I know," Barnabas said in a whisper.
"I know what everyone thinks of now. Before you came, I had a lot of friends,
and knew just about everyone in Collinsport on a first name basis.
"Everyone was real friendly, but no more. I'm shunned, and treated as if
I'm a disease. Oh sure, there are the ones who think I'm ready for anything,
but not too many. They're all afraid of you. People know you are using me, and
they don't blame you. It's a small town with small minds. This may be the 20th
Century, but not here. It probably hasn't changed very much since you were small,
but anyway that's not what I want to tell you.
"I feel so alone. I didn't care as long as I could see you, and then that
was taken away. I will never be the same, I know that. I know you're going to
marry Vicky, and I don't care, Barnabas. I don't seem to care about those kinds
of things anymore as long as I could be with you, no matter what the situation.
"I don't care if you're married. It's too late for me. You would never
marry me, I knew that, but it doesn't stop you from being in my thoughts every
waking moment. And you are. I know you said it would be better if I came here
for a while to visit my aunt and uncle. But better for whom? Not me, Barnabas.
I know you were afraid you would hurt me, but I knew you wouldn't, not really.
But as for me, I don't to live without you. My life is so meaningless without
you in it. It is so dark. The darkness is suffocating, because there is never
ever any light" -- Maggie was saying when Barnabas interrupted her.
"Maggie, don't talk like that," Barnabas gently scolded.
"I won't do anything foolish, Barnabas," Maggie said, watching the
relief flood his eyes.
"Maggie, I'm" -- Barnabas was saying.
"I want to you to be happy, and have the kind of life you've always wanted.
You'll have that now. I can tell you're changing, and I'm glad for you. You
will have the peaceful and gentle life with Vicky you've always wanted. She
can be your Josette, but in my dreams, Barnabas, I will always belong to you.
I will be your Josette, just as you wanted. I will please you and make you laugh
and be fascinated just by being in my company. Those are my dreams. Don't look
so unhappy, Barnabas, I have found a way to live with the darkness, and dull
the pain of longing for someone who is always a little too far away to touch.
"
"Maggie, dearest, I am so sorry it didn't work. But, of course, you knew
it would never work for us.
"Maggie, why do you look so bedraggled? What happened to your beautiful
hair? Are you not well, my darling?" Barnabas asked her, looking at her,
as if he were truly seeing her for the first time. Her unkemptness, the odor
emitting from her, her haunted look. He saw her eyes sunk, and dark circles
underneath them. Her cheeks were very hollow. He could see something was terribly
wrong with Maggie, and it bothered him.
"I don't know, Barnabas. I'm always so sick. It's so hard to eat and keep
it down. My head hurts, it's pounding. Could you hand me my medicine bottle,
please?" Maggie asked Barnabas.
"Did you go to a doctor, Maggie?" Barnabas asked.
"No, those are the pills Julia gave me. They help with the nausea, They
deaden the pain, the constant aching pain of loneliness and loss. They let sleep.
And when I sleep I can dream of you, and then I'm happy for a little while,"
Maggie said.
"No, I cannot get them for you. Julia said you were to have no more. They're
not good for you." Barnabas said.
"I don't care what Julia said, Barnabas. GIVE THEM TO ME!" Maggie
spat out.
"No," Barnabas answered her in an even tone.
"GIVE THEM TO ME! Julia would say that, she always hated me. She was jealous
of me, because you FUCKED me, and you wouldn't even touch her. It was probably
her idea to get rid of me so she could have you all to herself. What is she
doing to Vicky, Barnabas? GIVE ME MY GODDAMN PILLS, NOW!" Maggie was sobbing
hysterically by now.
Barnabas again refused. Maggie changed her strategy, taking on a cunning look
as her voice became wheedling, and almost childlike, "You don't understand
I have to have them. I can't stand the darkness without them. I'll go insane,
Barnabas, so please give them to me. I can't seem to move still. I'll be sick
if you don't help me, and give them to me, pleeeease." Maggie now sobbing
at her frustration of not being able to move.
Then it occurred to her that Barnabas had not moved, had not touched her, he
just stood there looking at her. She wanted him to touch her, to stroke her
hair, rub her brow. Anything but the distance she felt. Then she saw he was
fading away, and she panicked, and was screaming:
"Barnabas, where are you going? Don't leave me. Please don't leave me.
Don't go. I won't ask you for the pills. I won't say anything. I'll do whatever
you want me to, please don't leave me." Maggie was sobbing hysterically
by now.
"I love you, Maggie," Barnabas said in a whisper that Maggie barely
heard, but she heard him say it.
'BARNABAS." Maggie screamed.
She jumped, and it startled her, and she woke up. She had been dreaming. Dreaming
the same dream for a week, always about Barnabas. She would start to cry now,
and not stop until she went back to sleep. But first, a pill, Maggie thought
almost happily. Darn, the nausea is back. I'll never make it to the bathroom,
I'm too sick, Maggie was now thinking. She would sometimes throw up in her room,
because she didn't want her aunt to know how sick she felt or see the blood
that was sometimes visible.
Oh, no Maggie thought, now my head hurts, as she reached for the empty bottle.
She knew it was empty, but like a little child, she was hoping her aunt had
somehow magically put more candy in the bottle while she was sleeping. Now,
she was sobbing tears of frustration. Her hands trembled from the withdrawals
she was starting to experience from the powerful tranquilizing drug.
The drizzle outside matched her mood. She wouldn't be able to sleep and have
her dreams until she could figure out a way to get a refill. Maybe she would
check her stashes. Yeah, that would be a good idea. She could feel the nerves
in her face, especially around eyelids start to twitch, and she was unable to
control the jerky movements that were little more than tremors a few minutes
ago. She was scared in a panicky way. Maybe now was the time to end it for good.
She went to the bureau of the pretty room, and retrieved the little dagger that
Barnabas had given her the last time he had made love to her.
To be continued.
Beverly Collins-LaCroix