Subj: Redemption/Prologue and Part One
Date: 11/15/98 4:35:16 PM Central Standard Time
From: DaphneH

The only unchangeable certainty in life is that nothing is unchangeable or certain. ---JFK

The New Year always brings promise to those whose lives are influenced by the inevitable rush of Time, but for those who dwell in the mysterious realms that lie between this world and the next, it has no meaning at all. For them, Eternity is a war waged by gods whose only quest is to dominate the battle between good and evil. Many times, mortals see only the negative effects of this struggle and they let evil blind them to the pure, perfect beauty which lies along the path of Light. That is why many people search for miracles or signs of Fate and Truth among the stars, but their wandering often leads them astray and they feel confused and abandoned by their Faith. This is as it was for two lost souls living behind the walls of a beautiful fortress, a house guarding all who dwelt within from the cold harshness of life high atop Widow’s Hill. One soul--mortally fragile-- was searching for fulfillment and the other--immortally alone--was on a never-ending search for redemption, but they both were in desperate need of a sign that there is order and stability in the universe. Together they were separated by events each of them thought were beyond their control, but 1971 was the year that would change the course of Destiny itself. 1971 was the year that love would conquer hate, soulmates would be united, and the light of Peace would prevail in an isolated mansion by the sea...a place called Collinwood.

--The ghost of Josette DuPres

Part One

“There is so much to be said, and on the surface of it very little is said.”
---John Ashbury, “For John Clare”

December 31, 1970 12:00 a.m.

The clock in the foyer chimed midnight and the sound of tinkling champagne glasses and toasts filled the air as another New Year's Eve party brought laughter and merriment to Collinwood. As Barnabas made his way around the room wishing everyone a happy New Year, he noticed that even after 176 years, he still hated parties. As a young man, he preferred his books and the company of his family to the social scene where everyone pretended to be his friend simply because he was a Collins; his father was always reminding him of how it was important to make a good impression on his future business partners by being a gracious host, and Barnabas had never had the heart to disappoint him. Even his mother, whom he had loved so dearly, annoyed him with her incessant worrying that he was too introverted and didn't have enough friends, so he inevitably went to the family's parties our of a sense of duty and family loyalty—and he was usually completely miserable. Now he was experiencing that same out-of-place, slightly panicked feeling once more and even though he’d grown used to it, the reasons for his nervousness were far more serious than they had ever been when he was young. Angelique's curse had forced him into dark isolation, and he had to be extremely careful that he kept his secret life hidden well within himself. It was the only way he could protect himself and others from the horror of Angelique's evil hatred. There was no easy solution for him-one small slip at a gathering like this could cost him everything he’d grown to hold dear these past five years, but those who knew him would become curious if they never saw him at these soirees. And curiosity always led to danger. So here he was, on his guard, wishing it would all be over soon so that he could retreat once again into his private world of painful solitude.

There was one soul, however, who could bring him the peace he so desired, the one whose friendship helped him through these awkward moments. As he saw her mingling with the other guests, Barnabas noticed that Julia seemed truly happy for the first time since he'd met her. But how much of it was genuine emotion, and how much was merely a show to hide how lonely she really was? He knew that he had inadvertently caused much of her pain and that he'd never be able to be close enough to her to know the answer, but he wondered about it all the same. Barnabas was still amazed that they had been able to become friends, that their relationship had evolved to the point where he felt he'd be incomplete without her loving support. There had been a time when they had been enemies, their fear of each other driving them to acts of desperation, but that had been so long ago that it seemed like it was in another lifetime. He wasn’t certain when they had become friends, only that she had proven to be a trustworthy companion, and he wouldn't allow something as beautiful as their relationship to become corrupted by Angelique's evil, no matter how much he wished things could be different between them. Finally, she noticed him watching her, and she moved across the room to stand beside him, looking elegant in a sequined midnight blue cocktail dress. He spoke first, knowing that there was nothing he could say that would express how he truly felt about her.

"Happy New Year, Julia." He raised his glass to hers and she smiled and returned the toast, happy to be sharing this moment with him.

"Thank you Barnabas. I do hope things will be better this year for us…for all of us."

"So do I. We're all quite lucky that this past year ended the way it did. I still don't want to think of what would have happened if we hadn't been able to change the past." Even now the gruesome images of Hallie and David's death haunted him, as did the scenes that unfolded when Gerard's evil minions had tried to destroy Collinwood. When Julia had fled the house by using Quentin's staircase, Barnabas had felt both relieved that she had gotten away, and completely lost when he realized that she was still in danger, wherever she was. If he hadn't thought to try Eliot's I-Ching wands to follow her back to 1840, he might have given up on life itself. They all needed some peace now, but Julia was the one who deserved it the most--after all that she’d been through in the past year, was that really to much to hope for?

"Well at least this year, Angelique won't be able to…" Julia stopped midsentence, horrified at what she had been about to say. She had witnessed enough of the pain that Angelique had caused Barnabas and his family to last several lifetimes, and she had felt guiltily relieved that Angelique had died without her powers in 1840…that had to mean that she wouldn't return to cause the family any more heartache. Barnabas, however, had been in mourning ever since Angelique had died in his arms, and he had returned from 1840 a changed man. He was more vulnerable and child-like than Julia had ever seen him and she knew she'd never forget the anguish in his voice when he'd said that Angelique was the only woman he'd ever truly loved. It had been an admission that had both angered Julia and broken her heart, but even though she couldn't understand his feelings, she still loved him and respected his grief. So why in the hell could she even consider making a statement like that without even thinking of how her words would hurt him?

He said nothing, but she could see the pain in his eyes, and she felt terrible to know that it was her fault.

Before Julia could say anything else, David came down the stairs and entered the drawing room looking for her; he wanted to know if she'd watch the fireworks with him since Roger had refused to do so. Reluctantly she agreed to go as she watched Barnabas take the moment that David's interruption brought to leave the party. Following David to the foyer to retrieve her coat, Julia felt as though she'd betrayed some special part of her relationship with Barnabas, a fragile part that could be so easily destroyed. As they walked together through the wood toward the cliffs at Widow's Hill, Julia was surprised to find burning tears blurring her vision. She tried to give David's idle chatter the attention it deserved, but her mind kept on wandering, thinking of how she should approach Barnabas to apologize to him. He wasn't the easiest person to talk to when he was upset, and he always seemed to shut down when forced to confront his feelings about the past, but she'd have to find a way to say she was sorry. Finally, David led Julia toward a clearing where she could see many people gathered near the edge of the rocks, waiting for the start of the show; she forced herself not to think of what happened earlier, wanting only to share the beauty of this moment with David, someone she'd grown to think of as a son in the past five years.

********

The fireworks were a new addition to Collinsport's New Year's festivities and they gave the holiday an old-fashioned atmosphere that appealed to Julia's love of history and nostalgia. As they approached the crowd, Hallie and her uncle Eliot greeted them, and the four of them sat on a rock at the edge of the clearing, passing the time before the show with polite conversation. As Julia watched the surrounding party, she saw Carolyn and her fiancé Michael Kensington, and Elizabeth eventually appeared, still scolding an angry-looking Roger for not wanting to spend time with David; Quentin was there as well with his latest girlfriend, and she even recognized some of the people as family members of patients she had treated at Wyndcliffe, but the one person who should have been there- the one person she wanted there with her- was absent. Barnabas was still at Collinwood and she was there once again noticing that she was alone in a crowd. She hated being alone, but sometimes it was easier than confronting all the emotions that threatened to overwhelm her when she spent time with Barnabas. At one time, she had considered leaving Collinwood and returning home to Pennsylvania to escape the pain, but she couldn't. Collinwood had become her home and she'd grown to think of the Collins family as her own kin. She cared about them too much to leave. Besides, running away wouldn't have changed the way she felt about Barnabas at all. She loved him more than she would have ever thought possible and her feelings couldn't simply be turned off when things weren't going well for her. So she had stayed and continued to try in vain to find a cure for the curse, even though each day that passed made it even more difficult to hide her feelings for him. Finally the fireworks started and Julia welcomed the diversion from her depressing reverie, watching as one snaked upward with a loud hiss before exploding into a jade green chrysanthemum. It was hard not to be impressed by the talent it took to turn the night sky into a blazing canvas of light and Julia was so captivated by the moment that she never registered anyone's presence until she felt a hand on her shoulder. Startled, she turned to see Barnabas standing behind her, his graceful body outlined in the pale silver moonlight. So he had followed her after all!

"May I join you, Julia?"

"Of course Barnabas. I'm glad you're here." She smiled as he joined her, and they sat in silence amidst the circle of family and friends, sharing the beauty of the evening without ever having to say a word to each other. An hour later, the fireworks were over, the only remnants of their existence the ashes which still streaked the sky. A smoky haze teased the moonlight as everyone said their good-byes and wished each other luck in the coming year. Julia knew she should have done the same, but she couldn't bring herself to fake the cheerfulness that she knew she didn't really feel; instead she stayed seated where she was, watching the sea crash recklessly against the rocks that lined the beach. It seemed like an eternity before Barnabas approached her again, but when he did, she knew what she had to say to him.

"Julia, it's almost one o'clock-aren't you ready to go yet?"

"No, not yet Barnabas. There's something I want to say first." She turned and faced him, her words coming out in an emotional rush. "I owe you an apology for earlier this evening. I can't lie and say that I understand why you said what you did after Angelique died, because I don't. To be honest, I’ll always hate Angelique for what she did to you and your family, but I have no right to judge your or your feelings. I don't understand any of it, but I do respect your grief and I'm sorry that I hurt you. Our...friendship...means so much to me that I would never be so thoughtless on purpose. I'm so very sorry." She bowed her head, on the verge of crying tears of shame that came from the sudden realization of how selfish she was being. Was she more upset that she hurt him, or that his reaction had made her see that he still thought of her as a friend and nothing more? Julia knew the answer and it embarrassed her but the truth hurt, sometimes more than necessary. An unbearable moment of silence passed between them before Barnabas cupped his hand under her chin to make her look at him. She started to speak again, but he brushed his fingertips across her lips to silence her, trying to ignore that his touch made her tremble.

"Ssh. It's all right. I've been doing quite a bit of thinking about things since we returned from 1840, and I know the truth now. Julia, I don't think I've ever really loved Angelique. When I met her, I was physically attracted to her from the start, but I don't think we ever had a real emotional connection at all. I mean, what did we have in common? I know now that love has to be about more than just physical pleasure...it has to be born out of a spiritual connection, and we never really took the time to nurture that part of our relationship. I was merely confusing the difference between love and lust. My relationship with Josette was completely different though...we were best friends before we fell in love. She and I had an understanding of each other’s souls, something I never shared with Angelique. That’s why I loved her and I will never forgive myself for allowing her to suffer for my sins. Sometimes I try to think of what my life would have been like if I'd never met Josette, and I know now that even if Angelique and I had spent our lives together, neither of us would have been completely happy. I guess in 1840, I was proud of her ability to change, to do something selfless to help Quentin and Desmond. Perhaps I was in love with what she could have been...I don’t know. But I do know that I didn’t love her the way she once deserved to be loved, and because of that, we both became monsters. I've come to terms with that now, and you didn't hurt me. I promise you that I wasn't upset with you."

"You weren't? Honestly?" Julia seemed bewildered, as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Honestly, Julia, I'm not. I think we've known each other long enough that you’d know if I was really angry with you." Feeling much better, Julia fought the urge to embrace him, instead simply taking his arm as they walked back toward Collinwood. When Julia thought back on this moment in years to come, she would remember the distinct feeling that they were being watched, that some unseen spirit was following them through the woods. That evening, however, she was lost in quiet contemplation of his admission and didn't notice that anything was amiss. As they said goodnight, Julia watched Barnabas walk back toward the Old House and sadly wondered if 1971 would finally be the year in which the night would no longer separate them.

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