Subj: 2000 One Time-Space Odyssey (Part 2)
Date: 10/29/00 1:23:59 PM Central Standard Time
From: Kallie

“Don't Have A Cow”

Flies circled around the bucket of blood like vultures waiting to feed upon the dead.   Annoyed by their presence, Willie Loomis halfheartedly batted his hand at the buzzing insects in an attempt to shoo them away, only to be overcome by a feeling of dizziness for his effort.   This would not do, he thought to himself. The high and mighty Barnabas Collins wanted his blood served up in a wine glass, poured from an elegant crystal decanter and there would be hell to pay if he was foolish enough to faint and break either one.

Getting the damned crystal clean took quite an effort.   It didn't matter to Barnabas that the things he asked of his servant were quite unreasonable.   He was a Collins and more over a vampire with a serious attitude problem.   His commands were not to be questioned and Willie had to really rack his brain to figure out how to get the filthy things clean, especially since there was no running water to be found anywhere in dilapidated dusty old house.  Finally he had remembered the extra jug of water he kept in his car for emergencies...and man, this was an emergency. Using some old rags from the car he was able to bring the ancient decanter back to its old shining glory.

As he picked up the dirty wine glass to clean, he wondered how in the heck Barnabas could possibly still be hungry. After all, the first thing the vampire did when he arose from his coffin at the mausoleum was to make a hearty snack of Willie's arm.  For several nights now Willie had been the main course to satisfy the vampire's hunger, unable to resist the urge to come to his cruel new master whenever Barnabas rang the dinner bell.

It was a frightening and humiliating experience for a man who had formerly prided himself on his ability to fight his way out of any situation, to just sit idly by night after night, while this dreaded creature of the night punctured his skin and drained the life force right out of him. Willie looked at his aching swollen arm remembering the pain. Damn, it hurt like hell.  

Willie usually passed out during these feeding sessions.   Each time sure that he was never to wake up again.   Usually Barnabas would wait until his servant regained consciousness and then the questioning would begin. The vampire wanted to be prepared when he stepped out into the modern world, so he interrogated Willie for all the information he could squeeze out of him.   But tonight was different; the vampire awakened his servant with a swift kick to the stomach…Barnabas it seems, needed to feed again.

And so began the nightmare of cow sucking.   Barnabas still didn't feel strong enough to hunt humans yet.   So in the dead of night Willie drove until they found a pasture full of cattle.   Most of the cows were tired and sleepy and it was Willie’s job to hold them still while Barnabas prepared for his bovine repast. It was amazing how swiftly the old vampire could move in on his four legged victim, sinking his fangs into its neck as it rolled back its eyes in surprised terror. But what really made Willie loose his lunch, was that after the vampire's thirst had been sated, that ole bloodsucker made him drain the rest of the blood from the carcass to take with them for later.   Barnabas seemed to think cow blood was like Maxwell House Coffee, “Good to the last drop.”

Willie finished shining up the wine glass, and then picked up the bucket of blood to attempt to fill the decanter, trying to spill as little of the gruesome liquid as possible. The hovering flies dispersed at his approach, buzzing madly into the air.   One unfortunate bug flew straight into a dusty old cobweb alerting the spider that dinner would soon be served.

A sudden wave of nausea washed over Willie as he wiped off the excess blood that had spilled over on the sides of the crystal container, and the pungent odor of the stuff assaulted his senses.  

In the web up above the spider was approaching his prey.

Breathing rapidly, Willie grabbed on to the counter waiting for the feeling to pass. Then wiping the sweat from his brow he caught a glimpse of the drama going on in the web above him.   The fly struggled desperately in its sticky silken death trap, but it was too late for escape.   The spider had arrived and immediately proceeded to deftly bind its newest victim with the fine gossamer threads it spun from its body.

“Hey I know exactly how you feel pal.”  Willie confided to the ill-fated fly.  

A moment later he wondered if his being drained of so much blood was causing him to hallucinate. Before his very eyes the face of the fly began to take on human characteristics.

Willie squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head trying to break the spell of the illusion.   But when he looked again he could see that the face of the fly was now formed more clearly.   And a chill when through his weary body as he realized the face he was looking at...was his own.  

Staring wide-eyed with horror at its hairy eight-legged executioner, the human-like fly fought in vain to free itself from its silken restraints. With its tiny face contorted in terror it screamed out it lungs in a frantic plea, “Help me, help me!” The screams registered as barely a whisper in Willie's ears, but he nearly started screaming himself when he suddenly noticed the newly formed face, which now appeared on the salivating arachnid.   It was Barnabas!   His eyes burned fiery red and salvia dripped slowly from his razor sharp fangs as he declared wickedly in his most proper English accent, “I'm feeling a bit peckish. ”  Then the abominable creature smiled, rolled its eyes up and bent down for the kill.

Willie acted swiftly, grabbing a nearby piece of debris from a pile of the kitchen rumble.   Swinging it with all his might he smashed the occupants of the web to smithereens, spoiling once and for all the spider's fun and putting the fly out of its misery.  

There were times these days that Willie wished that someone would do the same for him.   But he had always been a survivor and deep in his heart he knew that if there was a chance he wanted to live.

But the excitement of playing the Orkin man proved too much for his system.   He began to see purple and his heart beat wildly forcing him to sit down and put his head between his knees for a while. He wondered how much time had passed.   Would he be in trouble for taking too long preparing the vampire's bloody beverage?   He polished off the remaining water in the jug, then gathered his strength and picked up the tray containing the crimson libation and gingerly carried it into the next room.  

As he entered what Barnabas had called the sitting room, he was surprised to hear the sound of the vampire snoring away in the wing-backed chair.   It was a lucky break.   Willie hadn't thought that vampires would snore, but he told himself, I guess ya never know.

Carefully picking his way through the ancient mess that had accumulated from the years of neglect, he placed the tray down on an intricately carved table within reach of the chair.

A fly buzzed by and landed on Barnabas’ nose, causing it to twitch.   Willie couldn't help but snicker.   But then the foolish creature began to crawl right into the vampire's gaping maw.   Willie figured it was time to wake his master up.   Besides he figured that the blood would only last so long until it coagulated and went bad.  Willie certainly didn't feel like going after any more cows tonight. As it was, he wondered if he could ever bring himself to ever eat another juicy steak again without becoming sick to his stomach.

But as it turns out Willie should have let sleeping vamps lie.   For Barnabas was in the middle of a terrible dream.   And when Willie reached down to shake him awake, the vampire reacted violently.   Quick as lightening those long white tapering digits darted out and wrapped themselves around Willie's neck, squeezing ruthlessly.   At the same moment Barnabas closed his mouth down upon the fly, startling him into wakefulness.   It took a moment for the vampire to realize what had happened.   He just stared with morbid fascination at his gasping servant.  Finally Willie managed to choke out, “Geez Barnabas!   How do you expect me to help you if you keep strangling me every five minutes?”  The vampire let go, shoving Willie off balance landing him on the floor.   Then he picked up the bloody wine glass and took an appreciative sip as if nothing had happened.

"Barnabas, I am thinkin’ that maybe you should hurry up and finish so we can get outta here.   This place gives me the creeps.   And I'm sure the Collin's ain’t gonna appreciate us trespassing.” Willie said with trepidation as he struggled to get up again.

The vampire stared back coldly over his cow cocktail.   He didn't believe that it was a servant's place to speak up and offer such annoying unwanted opinions.   He considered for a minute how easy it would be to squash this plucky little upstart, but then thought better of it.

"I am not interested in what you think. In fact it would be better for your health if you ceased to think at all.   As for the house it IS MINE.   My dear mother gave it to me as a wedding gift.  Tomorrow my new relatives shall receive a visitor.   And one way or another this Old House will be returned to its rightful owner.”  Then he smiled a wicked smile.

Willie licked his lips as he watched the vampire drink.   Not that Willie was interested in Barnabas’ choice of beverage.   But Willie was terribly thirsty and had been so ever since the vampire had popped out of his box.   All that draining of blood left Willie dehydrated, and that parched dry desert in his throat was enough to drive him to blurt out,   “Barnabas, if there ain’t anything else you want me for I could really use a drink.”

Barnabas was disgusted, “Then get out of here you bacchanalian little peon, I would like to be alone with my thoughts and I can't concentrate with all your tomfoolery.”

Willie had just made it out of the sitting room when he muttered under his breath, “Man, don't have a cow.”  Then he chuckled to himself when he remembered what Barnabas had been drinking all evening, “Oops!  I guess you already have.”

A second later the bloody decanter came sailing through the air, missing Willie altogether and shattering against the wall. He had forgotten about Barnabas’ sensitive hearing.  Willie just howled with laughter and hightailed it out the door to The Blue Whale where he could forget about life and death for a while.

Barnabas stared longingly at the patterns the blood made as gravity forced it back down to the floor. He regretted loosing his delectable snack and indulged in a mega dose of self-pity.

Then suddenly the whole house lurched and started shaking violently. Candlesticks fell over threatening to catch fire.   Rats scurried around seeking shelter from the shaky ground, but found none. Barnabas watched as the portrait of Josette rocked back and forth along the wall, until it was finally dislodged from its place of honor above the mantelpiece barely missing becoming a victim of the fire below.

But as Barnabas went to rescue the painting he noticed the bookcase where the secret room was begin to glow.   The bright light intensified, it rays reaching out in the darkness from the cracks, like fingers seeking. For the first time in almost two hundred years Barnabas felt a chill of fear looking at the unknown.   The noise of the phenomenon increased till it sounded like a freight train was about to chug its way into the ancient room…then the door slowly began to creak open.

Kallie >^,,^<

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