Subj: "One Fine Day" (7)
Date: 5/19/00 5:34:17 PM Central Daylight Time
From: Kallie
The Year 1969
"In Fabio's Lair"
"Where is your bathroom?" Maggie demanded frantically, unable to stand her dishevelled appearance for even one second more. Fabio pointed out the way and she quickly disappeared through a translucent curtain of colorful hanging beads. Whipping out her hair brush she began the major repair work on her damaged do.
Meanwhile in the living room. Willie's tootsies were enjoying the soft comfort of the hideous shag carpet. He thought its multi-shaded green strands looked like a million slimy worms frozen in time. But Willie didn't mind, this was the best his feet had felt all day.
While Maggie was off doing her thing, Fabio couldn't resist treating himself to a look in his favorite mirror. Patting his impenetrable dome of hair, then planting his hands on his hips he boasted, "Mirror, mirror by my door, whose the one all the chicks adore?" Then slyly raising his eyebrows he congratulated himself. "That's right, it's ME FABIO!"
Willie decided it was time to rattle the old goat's cage a bit. So he took the mirror off the wall and tossed it at him. Fabio shrieked with surprise. Catching the flying mirror had thrown him off balance and he landed totally unharmed in the middle of a large burnt orange bean bag chair.
Sadly the same could not be said for his pants. The seams of the slacks were already put under a tremendous strain by the incredibly tight fit. The additional force of Fabio's bending derriere, combined with the impact upon landing had proved too much for the fragile threads. But Fabio was totally unaware of his recent ventilation. He was more concerned about what Maggie was thinking.
She had heard all the commotion and came out just in time to catch Fabio looking like the ultimate narcissist. He was lying back in the bean bag chair, holding up a mirror in what appeared to be an attempt to get a better look at himself.
"Admiring the view?" She laughed.
Fabio quickly put down the mirror and exclaimed, "Yes, now that you are here mio cara, the view has vastly improved." It was a good save, but then that is what Fabio excelled in.
He flailed his arms and legs a bit, trying to extract himself from the bean bag, until finally Maggie came over to lend a hand. "Grazie," He announced, "Fabio is going to reward you with the best tasting spaghetti outside of Italy. So take a seat my dear and watch the master at work."
"As he turned to walk into the kitchen Maggie caught a flash of white from his BVDs peeking out from the newly formed rip in his pants. She had a tremendous urge to laugh, but not wanting to embarrass him she suppressed her giggles and, although it was difficult, pretended not to notice.
She sat down at the table and glanced at her watch wishing for a moment that this crazy date was already over. But then Fabio appeared with a bottle of Mateus Rose and she began to warm to him once more.
"A little fruit of the vine, for my lady so fine." He offered.
Ugh! Willie thought as he rolled his invisible eyes in disgust. Maggie actually seemed charmed by this stupid rhyme.
However, it was not her favorite wine that Fabio was pouring into her glass, but a cheap sangria he had purchased earlier at The Piggly Wiggly. Fabio had refilled that old Mateus bottle more time than he could remember. When it came to insuring the sucess of a date, he firmly believed that, "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker."
"Now Fabio will reveal to you sweet lady, the Fabreezi family secret for creating the perfect spaghetti sauce."
Fabio walked back into the kitchen and with a flamboyant gesture pointed out the saucepan sitting on the stove. "Here I have heated half a cup of olive oil. It is of course Italian olive oil. Next I chop ten cloves of fresh garlic and throw it in to cook until tender.
Maggie looked a bit concerned, "Fabio do be careful, don't cut yourself."
"Cut myself? Fabio never misses" He proclaimed, then proceeded to add in eight rather large tomatoes to the mixture.
The old man was really putting on quite a show, stirring a teaspoon of salt here and three fourths of a cup of fresh basil there. It was like he was trying to imitate "The Galloping Gourmet" or in his case Willie thought, "The Galloping Geezer" As Fabio added the black and red pepper commenting on everything he did, Willie went looking around the kitchen for something to foil Fabio's great meal.
"Woud you like some meatballs on you spaghetti?" Fabio asked.
Maggie replied, "No thank you I am trying to cut down eating red meat"
Fabio poured a generous helping of sauce over her spaghetti and placed it on the table. Willie took advantage and grabbed the bottle of tabasco sauce he had found and dumped the whole lot into the remaining sauce.
Fabio poured himself a hefty helping of the spiked sauce, then brought his plate and a shaker of Parmesan cheese to the table. He was planning a romantic evening so he lit the candles and turned off the Rock Candy swag lamp over the table.
Willie wasn't feeling so good. His stomach started to rumble and he wasn't happy at all with the candle light dinner idea. So he blew the candles out. Fabio was quick on the drawn and had them relit in no time at all. But Willie just blew them out again. Fabio tried a third time to relight the candles. This time Mrs. Johnson's beans came back to haunt Willie with a vengence. so while he blew out the candles, he blew out the other end as well.
Fabio reluctantly went to turn on the ugly bluish green light, which was a shame, because it looked more like a radioactive meteor that belonged in a bad B movie than a dining room lumination.
Maggie grabbed the parmesan cheese and after sprinkling on just the right amout she enthusiastically dug into her italian cusine. "This is simply delicious." She raved, I have never tasted anything like it before in my life."
"Of course," He gloated, "Everything Fabio prepares is always al dente, that is italian for perfect."
But Fabio was looking strangely at Maggie so she asked him what was wrong. "You fluffed, my dear." He replied.
"EXCUSE ME!" She cried, feeling quite insulted.
Fabio realised his faux pas and quickly wormed his way out of it. "Your hair, my dear I love the way you've fluffed your hair.'" Amazingly this seemed to satisfy her. She would never have allowed ME to get away with that, Willie thought quite jealously.
Fabio figured it would be best if he just shut up and ate for awhile. So he twirled his fork around to capture his first mouthful of the delectable meal in front of him. His tastebuds watered in anticipation of the spicy flavor he loved so well. But as he shoveled that first fork full into his mouth he knew something was wrong.
His eyes instantly opened wide and began to water. And as the fire in his mouth began to grow he thought seriously about spitting the whole mess out. But he wanted to impress Maggie so he forced himself to swallow, then quickly grabbed his wine glass and polished off his vino in one fell swoop.
He could hardly believe that Maggie seemed to be actually enjoying the meal. He made sure her wine glass was never empty and at the first opportunity to end the meal. He asked her if she would like to dance.
They danced for awhile until a slow song came on. Fabio was thrilled that it was a Johnny Mathis song, "Chances Are." The chicks always like you better when HE is singing, Fabio thought smugly to himself. And as if to prove his point Maggie moved in closer and let him put his arms around her.
Willie was in a quandry. He couldn't think of any way of breaking them up without giving himself away. But when Fabio began to try to nibble on Maggie's ear, well that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Willie moved up behind him and grabbed a hold of the man's skivies, then with a mighty jerk gave him the worst melvin Fabio ever had in his life.
Fabio's eyes shut tight with pain as he grabbed his injured area, leaning forward he gonged poor Maggie's head in the process. "Excuse me for a moment," Fabio squeaked out in a voice several times higher than normal. Then he painfully limped off to the bathroom. Willie really hated to do that to another guy, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Maggie had made herself comfortable on the sofa by the time Fabio emerged from behind the beaded curtain. "What is this thing?" Maggie asked curiosly, pointing to a liquid filled container that glowing globs of some unknown substance were moving around in.
"Oh that. It's called a Lava lamp. A client down at the beauty salon knows a guy that makes these. According to him it is going to be the next craze. But I don't think it will sell. I mean who wants to watch a couple of boring blobs moving around all day. Fabio has better things to do." Then reaching around for a bunch of buttons he'd rigged up on the console in back of the couch, he pushed one to dim the lights. "And speaking of better things." He said, as he put his arm around her shoulders.
Willie was getting nervous again and his stomach felt worst. If he didn't know better he would have imagined this guy was a vampire the way he shies away from lights. Willie turned the lights back on. Fabio in retaliation turned the dimmer button back on low and held his hand over the button. Then he leaned closer to Maggie for a kiss.
Desperate to stop the kiss at all costs Willie used the only weapon he had at hand via Mrs. Johnson's beans. He didn't just break wind he annihilated it. Maggie thought Fabio had done it and he thought it was she who was suffering from a bad case of the vapors. Unfortunately Beano wasn't invented yet so instead offering her an anti-gas tablet, especially considering her last reaction. He just blamed it on his cat, Napolean.
But Fabio was determined to have an enjoyable evening with Maggie. So as soon as the air cleared he tried for another kiss.
Willie didn't know what to do so he grabbed the cat and threw him at Fabio's head and knocking the lava lamp over in the process. The cat dug his claws into Fabios skull. But the momentum kept Napoleon moving forward so off came Fabio's wig, revealing an older looking and quite balder man covered with the greenish oil from the lamp. Fabio screamed, "My hair what have you done to my hair?"
About this time came a knock on the door. "Fabio! It's me Bambi. Hey I know you only like me to come on Tuesdays, but I finished all your ironing so I thought I'd come on over."
"Whose Bambi?" Maggie asked, feeling slightly annoyed and slightly relieved at the same time.
Fabio responded in a guilty voice, "The cleaning lady?" Then he accidently put his hand down on a button that activated the bed hidden in the wall. When it crashed down with its red satin sheets Maggie decided it was time to leave.
"If your not going to get the door I will". And Maggie stormed out of the apartment.
Bambi came in and said, "Hey grandpa have you seen Fabio around?"
Fabio just slapped his forhead and yelled "Momma Mia!"
But the worst was yet to come for Fabio. Because Napolean who had been his Waterloo thought that the wig must be some new kind of interesting animal. So with the hide of Fabio hanging firmly from his teeth, he shot Fabio a nervous look and ran outside with his prize. Fabio, finally realising that the cat had just taken off with his prized wig, soon followed him in hot pursuit, leaving Bambi to wonder what the heck just happened.
Kallie >^,,^<