Subj: The Letter, Part Four
Date: 6/30/01 12:54:57 AM Central Daylight Time
From: R J Jamison

Julia sat alone in the Drawing Room of the Old House. She had decided to escape Quentin’s understanding eyes and suggestions for fixing her problems. She was afraid he would too easily accept her problem as his own. He seemed to have a unusual attachment to her lately. It had started when she and Barnabas had returned from 1840. Of course, there had never been the ghost of Daphne to tempt him, so she had noted his boredom and deepening depression about his existence.

A few kind words and trips to the movies and now he seemed not to know what to do with himself if she was otherwise occupied. Stop! Julia yelled at herself. She was not going to work on someone else’s problems. She had enough of her own, a burned down hospital, an overdue journal article and the ghost of her own past sitting just outside the room. She looked at the papers for the journal article on the desk. The journal article was based on her years of work at Collinwood. Writing it was tricky, she couldn’t say too much about what she knew but only what she theorized and how she would like to study it. She could not reference the fact that she had much experience in the blood disorders she was contemplating. It was frustrating. It would take years of research by other parties to prove what she already knew. But the frustration of writing the journal pieces were not what kept her away from them. Julia glanced down at the book in her lap and the piece of paper she had placed between its pages. She pulled out the letter again and read it again. She had not read it in so many years. But of the times she had read it, each time her heart reacted differently. How would it react this time?

3/10/59
My Dearest,

I find writing this letter is most difficult. I have never thought of my life without you in the last several years. Not since the day I heard you laugh on the steps of the Blaylock Building. From that very moment I was captivated, I was yours. But you have
never been mine. I realize that now. I lived in a delusional cloud for many years. I did not even know that when we married, your eyes were vacant not from attempts to stifle emotion, which you often do, but out of sheer boredom. You married me for reasons I now well understand. I do not fault you, you made a wise decision and I know you loved me in a fashion, in
your own peculiar way.

Your ambition always attracted me for I have so little. I have had a fortunate life of privileged. I have never struggled for acceptance as you have done. Marriage to me made it easier I know. You made a logical decision. My Father and Mother loved you dearly and that made the illusion complete. We lived together the very image of a happy family. But under your tutelage I discovered a social conscience. I came to care for those around me, those who had less than me. I saw clearly for the first time in my life. It was you who pointed out the disparities of my existence with that of those around us. The act of
giving to those less fortunate, I thought that would cement our eternal bond. But there was no bond, was there? So I will follow this path without you. The path you showed me.

Once I return, we shall discuss the arrangements to now be made. I will not wish to jeopardize things for you and a divorce might do that but I am not certain I can continue to live with you when you do not love me. I can’t be in a home with you and crave your love every day and not feel it returned. Is there any greater torture for me? Not having you with me on this trip, that certainly seems quite close. I have asked very little of you Julia, to go with me to see the world and help heal those in it is not such an outlandish request. But your world is in that hospital. You worked for it far harder than anyone I know. You deserve all that you worked for. Enjoy it well. I am sorry we will not share it together. I shall think of you every moment while I am away.

Your husband,
Taylor

Julia’s head fell back onto the back of the chair, the book and letter fell off her lap and between the chair’s cushion. Today the letter made her feel guilty as she finally, completely grasped the last few years of her life. Yesterday it was shame. Tomorrow it will be loneliness.

“Willie, this request is without notice.” Julia heard Barnabas enter the house, obviously with Willie in tow.

“Barnabas, I know its short notice but you ain’t doin’ anything too important tonight are ya?”

“That is not the point Willie. If you wish to have a day to yourself, I would like more notice that is all. I shall excuse you this one time.”

“Thank you, Barnabas.” Willie quickly came through the Drawing Room and nodded to Julia en route to the kitchen. “Night, Julia.”

Barnabas followed Willie into the room. He held several pieces of mail. “Good evening Julia.” Barnabas tried to sound casual. Julia hadn’t been to the Old House in a few weeks. He was pleased to find her here.

“Barnabas.” Julia responded quietly.

Barnabas looked up from his mail to observe Julia. She appeared distracted, far away. “Are you feeling well, Julia?”

Julia nodded. “Yes, just a bit frustrated with my journal article. I think I’ll go back downstairs and collect a few things. Perhaps I’ll gain some inspiration at Collinwood later.” Julia rose and passed Barnabas en route to the basement stairs.

“Julia, perhaps we could drive into Collinsport for dinner since Willie has asked for the evening off.”

“Thank you Barnabas but I’ll have to ask for a rain check. I’m very tired.” She smiled weakly and left the room.

Barnabas thought back to the mornings breakfast at Collinwood. He had volunteered to check on Julia. She did appear listless and preoccupied. He sensed a great deal of sadness about her, sadness which she did not try to hide. Barnabas concluded that a light inquiry when she returned would be sensible. He sat in Julia’s chair and continued to sort through his mail. He separated out several insignificant pieces and placed them on the table. The important pieces he kept on his lap. Several of the pieces slipped off and slid down the cushion. As he pulled them out he found the book Julia had been
reading. Julia had been reading a novel rather than her usual boring medical books. He smiled, set it aside and continued to review his mail.

In the basement Lab Julia pulled together several files and her notebooks. Why even make the effort, I’m not going to read or write anything tonight. I just want eight hours of sleep which I haven’t had in weeks. Not since that damn man called. Julia slammed down files and pushed them aside. That call, he was supposed to have arrived at the Inn in Collinsport yesterday but he hadn’t. On one hand she hoped he had arrived today, it would all be over, whatever it was that he wanted.

Julia pushed the thoughts out, why dwell on this, it’s going to happen. She then began up the stairs empty-handed. She observed Willie running out the front door, “Night Barnabas.”

“I’ve decided I’m too tired to work on the article. I’ll try again tomorrow night.” Julia picked up her gloves and purse from the foyer table. She then remembered the book and returned to the Drawing Room to pick it up from the table near Barnabas.

“Julia, what is this? What does it mean?” Barnabas, still seated, held out the letter Julia had been reading earlier.

“What are you doing with that? It's mine.” Julia’s green eyes became red with fury.

“I found it lying here, I didn't realize it was yours until the end.”

“Just give it back please. It must've fallen out of my book.”

“Julia, why have you never spoken of this?”

“Just when would we have had time to discuss it?”

“There have been moments, Julia, I can't believe you kept this from me.”

“Just as you have your past and secrets Barnabas, I have mine, now give me back the letter, please.”

“Alright.” Barnabas held out the letter, which Julia quickly grabbed and placed in her purse. "I don't want to discuss this now or never.”

“Julia, I don't this that is very fair.”

“Are you always fair to me Barnabas? Are you?”

“But Julia. . . you're married?”

“Like I said Barnabas, I don't wish to discuss it, now or never. ” Julia abruptly turned away from Barnabas. “Our relationship is that of friends, nothing more, there was no need to mention this to you. It’s of no consequence to you. ”

“You have a husband and it’s of no consequence, what type of marriage is it?”

“One that I won't discuss.”

Dark Shadows is a Dan Curtis Production.